Pale ak timoun de lè yo pèdi yon fanmi oubyen lè gen yon gwo pwoblèm

June 13, 2018
Family Support
Blog Post

Se Peter Willig, LMFT, FT, Direktè klinik, Children’s Bereavement Center

 

Daprè kalkil yo fè, sou 5 timoun ki gen laj pou y al lekòl gen 1 ki pral pèdi yon moun ki enpòtan nan lavi li. Sou 20 timoun gen apeprè 1 ki pral gen manman oubyen papa l mouri.

Anpil fwa, paran ak moun k ap okipe timoun konn bezwen sipò pou tèt pa yo pandan y ap okipe timoun ki pèdi yon moun. Lè moun ap reyaji nan ka yon pèd oubyen yon kriz, kit se yon lanmò, yon kalamite natirèl, vyolans oubyen yon kriz sikolojik grav, timoun ak fanmi yo kapab sèvi ak enfòmasyon pi ba la yo kòm gid pou konvèsasyon ak sipò.

•          Reflechi: Kòmanse ak tèt ou – Nenpòt efò ou pral fè pou ede pitit ou ta dwe kòmanse ak oumenm k ap reflechi pou tèt pa w, ak sipò pou tèt pa w. Lè granmoun gen tèt chaje, sa afekte timoun fasil, kon sa timoun yo ka pa di sa yo bezwen dekwa pou yo pa bay lòt moun plis tèt chaje.

•          Evalyasyon: Ki sa piti ou konnen? – Lè w mande pitit ou sa li konnen déjà, sa mete w nan yon pi bon pozisyon pou w konn ki enfòmasyon li bezwen vre. Epi tou lè w mande yo sa yo konnen, sa fè yo santi opinyon yo enpòtan pou wou, menm si ou pa dakò oubyen ou oblije pote klarifikasyon.

•          Koute: Byen e avèk anpil atansyon – Chache tande ki lide, ki bezwen ak ki sa timoun nan santi dapre sa l ap di w yo. Pandan pitit ou ap pale, chache tande si li gen move enfòmasyon, move konsepsyon, oubyen si li gen kèk perèz ouswa enkyetid ke li pa di w.

•          Pale: Onèt e tou senp – Timoun pwofite anpil lè moun bay yo enfòmasyon ki onèt, ki klè, ki bon pou laj yo. Lè w kache enfòmasyon sa ka lakoz yo gen plis kè kase epi sa ka ba yo enpresyon bagay yo twò grav pou moun pale de yo. Lè timoun jewnn yon vokabilè ki senp pou yo di sa yo santi ak sa ki ap pase, sa ede yo di sa yo panse.

      -    “Gen yon bagay ki tris/mal anpil ki sot pase…”

      -   “Nou poko gen tout repons, men m ap fè w konnen”

      -    “N a pale plis sou sa pita… ‘’

      -    “Mwen menm tou mwen tris…’’

      -    “Èske w gen yon lòt kesyon?’’

     Se yon kovèsasyon ki pral kontinye. Se pa yon bagay w oblije fè yon sèl jou.

•          Modèl: Sèvi kòm egzanp – Lè w pale de sa w santi, epi lè w onèt de sansasyon ou genyen, se yon bon egzanp pou timoun. Fè yo konnen pa gen pwoblèm pou yo santi, paregzanp, kriye souvan fè nou santi n pi byen. Timoun benefisye lè yo wè ki jan jere sitiyasyon difisil mache. Lè w kache jan w santi w, sa ka ba yo enpresyon nou pa pale de bagay ki difisil. Si ou gen pwoblèm jere santiman w, se pou w chache sipò pou tèt ou.

•          Rete ak yon lespri ouvè: Timoun gen dwa repete kesyon –Leplisouvan timoun ap mande kesyon plizyè fwa sou yon lanmò pou yo chache konprann. Yo ka konprann ti kras dapre nivo devlopman yo. Yo kab menm montre yon move kiryozite nan vle konnen detay yo.

Sonje byen kiryozite yo a se pa chache yo ap chache fè moun tò ni annouye moun. Pare w pou w renponn menm kesyon yo plizyè fwa e menm jan an. Sa regretan nou pa kab bay yo garanti tout bagay ap antre nan plas yo tout tan. Apre yon moun fin mouri oubyen apre yon move evènman, anpil timoun ak granmoun bezwen moun ede yo konprann, ba yo asirans yo an sekirite.

Ou ka pa kab reponn tout kesyon, sitou “gwo” kesyon timoun konn mande tankou “Pou ki sa?” Timoun konn mande kesyon nou ka pa janm kab reponn. Paregzanp: “Èske li al nan syèl?” “Èske m toujou yon sè?” Leplisouvan pi bon repons lan se: “Ki sa ou panse”? Repons sa ouvè pòt pou yon konvèsasyon, e sa ap ba w yon ide sou enkyetid yo ak bezwen yo.

Pwoteksyon: Pa kite yo koute twòp nouvèl – Imaj yo pase anpil oubyen istwa yo rakonte anpil de yon move evènman ka chaje tèt timoun. Timoun pi piti kapab panse imaj yo wè plizyè fwa ak istwa yo tande plizyè fwa se evènman apa epi danje yo poko fini. Si w ap tande anpil nouvèl, sa ka youn nan bagay ki ba w tèt chaje e moun ki nan alantou w ka wè sa.

Konsantre w sou sa ou kapab kontwole – pandan w ap okipe sante w, pran prekosyon, pandan w ap pale de sa w santi, pandan w ap ede lòt moun. Sa kab yon okazyon pou w pale de plan ki te deja la pou sekirite e pou sipò pou fanmi an ak kominote a. 

•          Se pou w veyatif: Entèvansyon yo fè souvan – Sa rive souvan pou timoun santi yo gen konfizyon, kè kase ak difikilte pou yo konsantre apre yo fin pèdi yon moun oubyen apre yon move evènman. Gen nan yo ki kab ajite, irite, oubyen sou ladefansif oubyen ki mete tèt yo aleka. Yon timoun ka vin gen laperèz li pap janm wè moun li pèdi a ankò e tanzantan yon timoun ka gen konpòtman ki montre li fè bak nan devlopman li tankou souse dwèt oubyen pipi nan kabann. Sa rive souvan pou timoun santi kè kase akoz sa ki sot pase a ak jan sa pral aji sou lavi yo. Si timoun nan te konn ap fonksyone nòmal avan evènman an, sa nòmal pou yo ap tounen gen ansyen konpòtman nan lespas kèk semèn.

•          Adapte w: Pasyans, pasyans, pasyans – Pran pasyans ak moun nan alantou w, pran pasyans ak tèt ou. Santiman ak konpòtman kapab chanje apre yon sèten tan. Konsantre w sou ajisteman ou dwe fè nan lavi a apre evènman an fin pase. Se yon posesis ki pran tan e se yon bagay alontèm li ye.

•          Chache sipò: Pran kontak ak lòt moun – Anpil fwa konn gen resous ki la epi konn gen moun ki ap bay èd apre yon evènman. Lè moun ap travay ansanm sa pèmèt yo pataje enèji epi sa fè moun santi yo gen fòs ki kab ede pandan tèt chaje ak lè y ap pote sekou apre yon dezas. Pare w pou w asepte èd epi pale ak fanmi, zami epi ak pwofesyonèl lè sa nesesè. 

 

 

Peter Willig se yon terapet lisansye pou fanmi pou moun marye epi li se yon Direktè klinik pou CBC. L ap travay ak CBC a depi lè CBC fèk ouvè epi li travay nan fòmasyon pou moun ki nan lapenn epi nan mouvman pou ede kominiote. An menm tan tou li se manm konsèy direksyon pou òganizasyon ki ede timoun ki an dèy, National Alliance for Grieving Children.

Sant Children’s Bereavement Center ofri sipò GRATIS an gwoup pou timoun ak timoun parèy yo, fanmi yo ak granmoun apre yon ka lanmò. Gen gwoup ki disponib ni nan Dade ni nan Broward County.

Pou plis enfòmasyon oubyen pou w patisipe nan gwoup sipò mityèl gratis CBC yo, kontakte nou nan 305-668-4902 oubyen www.childbereavement.org

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